he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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