i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
