my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
