Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
