I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I intend to get homeless drunk
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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