he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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