You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
