my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
