bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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