dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
