I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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