That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It was confusing and full of hummus
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
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Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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