I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
