I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
