Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
