I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Is Oprah even human
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
