I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
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Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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