Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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