god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
