I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
