i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
