So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
