Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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