Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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