nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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