Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
