Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
lol hangovers are for mortals.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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