Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
