stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
