I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
