she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
