Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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