We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
where are my eyebrows?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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