ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
