My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
