tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
