what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my shit smells like andre
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
