The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
