do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
