Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
