Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
People in love make me want to vomit
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
