I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So much rum. So many feels.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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