You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
