FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
