We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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