Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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