MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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