So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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