Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
