i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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