How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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