she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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