How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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