Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
