were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
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pop tarts are not kleenex
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
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He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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