My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
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Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
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You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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